Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen review

I just can't comprehend the magnitude of epicness this movie contains. It has dogs humping each other! It has robots humping humans! It has Meagan Fox looking like a prostitute! It has epic scenes of romantic dialogue accompanied by 360 degree camera pans! It has piss jokes! It has testicle jokes! It looks and sounds like a mildly retarded, roid-raged high schooler's idea for "teh coolest video game evurr."

This atrocity is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Why isn't it just Transformers 2? Why this recent spate of sequels with subtitles? Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Terminator: Salvation, Aliens vs Predator: Requiem. I'm getting tired of typing colons. But I digress.

Michael Bay has given us his magnum opus. This film has grossed over 700 million dollars worldwide in less than a month on a 200 million dollar budget and who knows how much he's pulling in on merchandising. Never mind that Bay is a corporate whore and has the maturity of a 13-year-old brat for a moment- I've dedicated three paragraphs and still haven't gotten to the crux of this entry- what the film does wrong. Well, I explained in hyperbole, if hyperbole is using exclaimation marks when not needed. I guarantee that all of the first paragraph is 100 percent accurate.

This film is first and foremost a plotless affair that is literally the world's biggest excuse to use as much money to blow shit up as possible, and likewise it feels like you're doing a disservice to the world by dedicating 10 dollars to Bay and Paramount for it. I would rather people risk bodily harm by blowing up their own shit and give that 10 dollars to charity than sit safely in a theater for this artistically challenged motion picture. Shia Labeouf is off to college now, and apparently a piece of the allspark is left and embeds in his mind some sort of blueprint to something that can, in the wrong hands, destroy the world. Cue the 20+ robots, who have somehow managed to team up with the US government in a hidden program designed to track renegade robots. Yeah, I know it's a movie, but this just goes far enough beyond reality that it starts to feel like you're in another dimension where things, no matter how hard you try, don't make sense.

The cinematography is loathesome. It's like watching an epilleptic dance in a laser show while sitting in a washer on full tumble with one eye on a kaleidescope. Either everything is too close, the camera won't stop spinning around in 360 degrees, or things don't stop shaking. The film is co-scored by once-faux metal, now-U2 ripoffs Linkin Park (if by "co-score" you mean insert three riffs from their new single "New Divide"), so be ready to have a song forcefully stuck in your head for a day.

of everything this films does wrong, it's chief crime is the atrocious writing, which takes every ounce of charisma or charm from it and reduces any character interactions down to "You're hot" or "Insert product namebrand here." The people are dimwitted and the robots witless.

Finally, it's just boring. It's long and loud and obnoxious and I don't ever want to be seen near a theater playing it again. the problem is it's a hit on par with The Dark Knight in the eyes of so many people. Why? Escapism. More power to ya, really. I'll admit there is one particular scene that wowed me- the battle in the forest and subsequent emotional scene that follows it. but aside from that, this film is useless to my sensibilities and i wish it was useless to everybody else.